In Review - Agoraphobic Nosebleed

First, I suppose an introduction is in order…

I’m Cousin Dave. Most people refer to me as Davey B. I will be a contributing writer to this blog from here on out. Nothing really qualifies me for reviews, opinion articles, or any piece of freelance writing. I have zero literary background, I don’t read for pleasure, and certainly cannot be expected to write ANYTHING with any kind of journalistic integrity. That said, I like aggressive things, including my music. The heavier, the faster, the most in your face, the more I enjoy it. I am not a typical trust-fund-fan-boy scenester either. As much as my music needs to have some massive cahones swinging between two muscular, Viking-esque legs, it needs to be original, unique, and truly speak to me with ambition and heart; none of that soulless emo-metalcore crap that all the kids love nowadays. I like lyrical content, the songs really need to mean something. I like things that are raw, witty, emotional. If your record has nothing to say except “I want people to buy this and our merch and maybe get played on K-ROQ”, then I can’t be bothered with your record. The band as a unit needs to be multi-talented, with plenty of raunchy chops from guitars, bass, and drums alike. A band is one, singular entity; no single instrument should be outdone or outshined (anyone who listens to metal knows that the bass gets mixed out of 80% of songs or is completely inaudible and I think it should be heard just as much as the 115mph fret board-fingering assaults and blast beats adorning most songs). If you have a really amazing guitar player, but mixing your bass player out completely on the sound board and your drummer is rubbish, then what do you REALLY have? You have a fucking PR nightmare, that’s what; your guitar wizard emits his own heavenly rainbow out from betwangst his buttcheeks and signs autographs at Ozzfest while the rest of the band spoons and cries on the tour bus. Music should be like a pot of stew; lots of ingredients that taste alright by themselves, but mix it up together and it’s like a giant flavor party in your mouth. Heavy music should be like a party in my ears, but quite frankly, most newer bands don’t deliver. They also certainly do not stay true to their roots. I’m a firm believer in paying credit where it’s due. Exhibit A…I hear plenty of bands on Stillborn, Thorp, and Facedown trying to revitalize an almost completely dead straight edge hardcore scene that sing about their tattoos and how drugs and cigarettes piss them off, but probably never heard a Judge song or bought a Minor Threat record in their lives.

Yes I am straight edge…but that’s beside the point.

Favorite bands: Dark Day Dawning, All Else Failed, Blacklisted, (yes, I see a Philadelphia theme too), Converge, Blood For Blood, Iron Maiden, Boysetsfire, The Red Chord, Agnostic Front, Minor Threat, Only Living Witness, Dropkick Murphys, Pig Destroyer, blah blah blah

I love: white pizza, hockey, pickup trucks, hippos, ping pong, oriental art, seafood, Frisbee, piercings and bulldogs.

I hate: Atreyu and other bands that wear makeup, sing about nothing but breakups and romance and have girl haircuts, loose socks, spiders, stepping in gum, little kids that don’t cover their mouths when they cough or sneeze, and pubic hair.

Now that most of you are on board with me the person, how I feel about the state of things and what I generally look for in records, time for my first review ever.

Drum roll.

I was able to get a hold of a friend’s spanking new copy of the latest Agoraphobic Nosebleed record titled, Agorapocalypse. I feel I should start off by saying that aside from the Poacher Diaries split with Converge, I never much cared for this band. It was very generic grind with drum machines and programming set at 2000bpm that I’m less than unenthusiastic about. They also seemed very gimmicky with violent and catchy song titles that seemed to take more time and effort writing than the actual songs themselves, with records containing 40 or 50 noisy, frenetic, messy tracks lasting no less than one minute. Honestly it all just made my head hurt and I never really “got it”. Let’s face it, the first billion or so songs they wrote (at least to me) sounded like one big joke and nothing to take too seriously. Everything sounded relatively the same and bored me to death. Therefore, I’ve listened to, but never actually bought any of their records.

However, on the newly released Agorapocalypse, we see something that’s never seen the light of day on any ANb record to date: song structure! Upon listening I couldn’t believe it. What happened to the spastic drum machines? I mean they’re still there, but the tempos on most songs have been slowed to make it potentially plausible that the drumming was done by ACTUAL human arms and not computer-generated. The songs actually last more than 37 seconds and Scott Hull certainly shines on this release. Also, I was surprised at the addition of a 3rd vocalist…I’m by no means a proclaimed expert on ANb, but I swore there was never a girl in the band. Despite seeming like another gimmick, the three vocalists actually ebb and flow together quite nicely. As much as I figured I’d probably want to rip this record when listening through, I honestly cannot think of any harsh criticism. This is by far the most structured, lucid, intelligent, and most mature and well thought out Agoraphobic Nosebleed record to date. Again, they are by no means my favorite band, but aside from their other releases that run-on and sound similar, I feel this record will be played multiple times in my CD player. Overall, I would grant an 8 outta 10 with stand out tracks being Question of Integrity and Dick to Mouth Resuscitation. Well played ANb…well played.

Hookers and blow.

Davey Bx