Sooner or later, the day will come when you wake up and Xwaiting_for_you_to_bleedX doesn’t seem like such a gem of an online tag on the message boards of vampirefreaks.com. Within the following 24 to 48 hours you’ll likely notice that you’re no longer really that interested in vampires or the living dead; simultaneously, you’ll come to the conclusion that it’s a little skeevy to describe yourself as “polyamorous” if you haven’t actually gotten laid since last summer. When that day comes you’ll turn to your music collection for comfort. It’s the natural progression of things. You’ll have a lot of questions: “Isn’t detox painful? Will I be institutionalized for cutting myself, sitting in the basement with no lights on and eating all my eyeliner? Is David Bowie as Ziggy Stardust overstaying his/her/its welcome as my personal messiah? Should having an identical iPod playlist to Bam Margera’s jukebox define me as a person? Do I have to stop shopping at Hot Topic?” Rest easy, o’ child of the night! We here at Instead Of Clothes have put together an emergency degothification kit that will make your exit from the subculture quick, simple, and – for the first time in your lugubrious life – painless.
Step One: Otep – Smash The Control Machine
Some of you are wondering, “Can I believe in vampires and still make the team?” The answer is no, you can’t. Sorry. But you can listen to Otep, a crusty, political, metal outfit from the over hyped and overwhelming city of Los Angeles. I personally don’t like this band, but you face painting, androgynous saps can probably appreciate the female vocals, and sweeping violin and piano chops featured on the new record. Despite lead songstress Otep Shamaya’s lacking of testicles, she beams with social angst and displays a dedication and willingness to wear her ovaries on the outside as she shrieks and sings through tunes desperate for societal change; thus, proving she can certainly hang with the guys. Although not one of my personal favorites, this is a good place to start for you. The musical ability is there, and shines through in the catchy, fist-pumping anthems with plenty of things to say on Smash The Control Machine. Death metal guys will still call you “fag” when they see you, but that’s just their way of being friendly. Meanwhile, you’ll rest secure in the knowledge that your female vocalist of choice has a message with substance, instead of yammering on about Wicca all the fucking time.
Step Two: Disturbed – Indestructible
You probably already own this one. See how EASY this is? What I want you to notice here is tempo, even on the song about how you should commit suicide and go to hell to be with that girl named Devon again (whoever the hell she is…thanks to the vague lyrics of David Draiman). Can you feel that beat? Well can you? Ok then, good work my little undead minions.
Step Three: Six Feet Under – Commandment
This is largely a cosmetic choice, but then again, you like cosmetics, don’t you? Let’s break it down, shall we? Reference to death in the band name? Check. Torture, serial killer, apocalyptic and horror-themed song material? Check. Fractured skull and rotten human remains album art? Check. A band full of guys so good at what they do, they may potentially practice what they preach (gulp)…check, check and check. Wash your face, cook your steak extra rare, put this in the good ole’ Sony, and rock the fuck out.
Step Four: A Life Once Lost – Hunter
Now wasn’t that easy? You had some semi-gothy crust metal, some tolerable nu-metal, some very proper death metal, and now check you out. You’re digging some of my favorite hometown heroes who tear up ESP’s like Judd Nelson tears up his pink slips in The Breakfast Club. You are making moves my friend. What’s that we hear beyond the gnarled, craggy vocals, eardrum bursting blast beats, and teeth-grinding breakdowns? Those, my pale friend, are called shredding leads. You will learn to love them.
You’ve laid a solid foundation to get you outta that funk you’ve been in, apparently left over from the Middle Ages. And let’s be frank, The Crow really wasn’t THAT great of a movie. My work is done. Now it is up to you to take your life back from the underworld. Over the course of the following days/weeks, you’ll need to let go of your makeup collection, stop wearing fishnet arm warmers (which is the biggest oxymoron ever, I needn’t point out the irony here), replace your welding goggles with regular sunglasses, decide on a non-fluorescent hair color (preferably the one you were born with), grow a beard, and consider smiling a little more. That I can’t make you do, you need to do it for yourself. Life is all about change. Time for you to embrace life instead of cutting yourself, pumping your body full of basement-made narcotics, and wondering what your best friend’s blood tastes like.
Your homework is to study your lyrics well, buy clothes that aren’t black, find a show, get your butt to the moshpit, kick someone’s ass, let someone else kick your ass, make friends with those people, climb on stage and throw yourself off, allowing your new found scene to catch and embrace you and have fun.
Welcome home.
Davey Bx
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